Fix You

I want to come clean on this post, the real reason why I abandoned this blog for years is because it started to feel embarrassing to write my thoughts and true feeling here. There were hundreds of moments when I moved my fingers to type something here but stopped after the second paragraph and just let it sat as a draft. Today is different because I have one hour free time in the airport before my flight back to Jakarta and I want to store one of the best concert experience I've ever had, Coldplay: Music Of The Spheres World Tour in Jakarta. This concert deserves a long post throwing out my thoughts and feeling inside. 

Honestly speaking, I am not their hardcore fans and more a casual listener. You might hate me when I say my favorite song is Yellow and Fix You. But these songs have deeper meaning for me especially during the pandemic in 2020 - 2021. As an introvert and homebody, I welcomed the stay at home regulation with a happy, joyful, and light heart. But weeks passed without any positive progress that made me sad 24/7. The double triple and never-ending meeting at work didn't help at all. Months passed, the sadness then grow into anxiety and depression, leading to me having zero interest in tomorrow. 

Can you imagine waking up with heavy feeling in your heart because you have nothing to look for? That how were my days during the pandemic almost one and a half year. But because there was nothing dramatic happened in my life, I could not complain. Other people suffered more, me being in a cage all year long was not something to be complained about. 

But it was hard. 

I remember crying every night because all days felt the same. I always blamed myself for not being able to push myself the way other people did during the quarantine. The feeling of not good enough, zero interest of life, and the unknown future of when the pandemic would end creeped all over myself. Little did I know, at that moment, I was suffering from depression and anxiety. 

The song Yellow and Fix You were always on repeat in every single activity I had. From taking a shower, working on presentation, trying to sleep, daydreaming, to staring on the ceiling with empty brain. I always love the lyrics "look at the star, look how they shine for you, and all the thing you do" in Yellow. Even though I couldn't see any star under my house rooftop, that fragment of lyric from Yellow gave a little hope for me, that soon enough I would be able to go out at night and watch the stars outside. 

There were days when I didn't leave my bed unless for taking shower or going to toilet. I literally worked, ate, watched movies, and played game while laying on the bed. That's the worst moment in my life I might say. I always felt guilty for not being able to leave the bed and while having Fix You played in the background, I promised myself to fix this. Fix you is a masterpiece, every line of its lyric speak through my bone (even until today). The first verse of its lyric sum up my life in pandemic. 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

I experienced lot of rejection and failures in pandemic. From the master degree application, multiple attempt on promotion assessment, competition, to failing in building good habit. So even from the start, this song hit me hard. The way I tried to cope my sadness was reflected by the second lyrics. I always got things I want by spending money on e-commerce. But it solved nothing. I still felt sad and hopeless. At that moment, my body felt heavy and I was tired from morning to night. Yet, I still could not sleep and that was the worse insomnia that I've ever had in my life. I always slept after 2 am. I tried various method to sleep faster, but nothing worked. Can you imagine the exhaustion my body experienced at that time? It's truly something I hope won't happen again. 

And yes, it felt like I was stuck in reverse. 

But that was the past. Now I am doing a lot better! As I mentioned previously on my post, playing tennis made me leave my bed. But these two songs are the reasons why I kept going every day, even when each day felt the same. 

Several months ago, the promotor announced that Coldplay will hold concert in Jakarta and miraculously, I secured the ticket! Well, it was my friend's husband who won The Great War, but still I got the ticket! Despite the fact that the concert was held in midweek and there were crazy traffic jam in Jakarta, I still went to the concert. Here is the picture to as a memory of how bad the traffic jam was. 

I thought the traffic jam was the worst part, it turned out I have to wait almost two hours just to enter the venue. I blame the promotor for this chaos situation. I entered the venue late, the guest star already sang several songs. Thankfully I was still given chance to watch the whole Coldplay's performance. Look at the crazy amount of people on the picture below. 

Here is a memory of yellow that I capture on my phone. It was truly truly truly magical, mesmerizing, beautiful, and everything you can name it. I was starstruck watching the whole performance and during Yellow, I cried my heart out. The bad memories of pandemic came and I am so proud of myself that I made it to today.  

I love how the way they set the lightning and the concert ambience. This concert is just top notch, the best concert that I've ever been in (please take note that I've been to many concert previously from kpop to western artist). You can see on the picture below how the lightning setting are genius. 

And this is...the footage of Fix You, the on-repeat song during my pandemic, the one that pushed me to keep going. I apologize for cut the important part but the next part is my face and it looks cringe so I decided to cut it. 

And that's all about the first Coldplay's concert in Jakarta. I was blessed to get a chance and watch it live. Chris Martin's energy is undefinable. He kept running here and there while singing songs. I even got knocked out after watching the concert and I was seating the whole time. I hope I can grow old energetically just like him. I love the phrase they use to end the concert, 'Believe in Love.' In this world full of greed and hatred towards one another, I hope that one day we can live in harmony, loving each other despite our differences in race and social status.

Chris, Jonny, Guy, and Will, I thank all of you for writing Fix You, a song that made pandemic more bearable for me. You might not know how powerful the song you wrote, but the song at least keeps a soul alive after pandemic. 

with my warmest heart,

your casual listener