It's past midnight already and I feel like I want to write something here haha. On the last post, I wrote a wish: "I hope I’ll eventually find new goals without attachment to a particular person.". And I just want to brag that I kinda....finally did it? Can you imagine? It's not even a year.
It was during my life review session when I realized that this year has been that long for me, like literally too many things happened. One of my friends described this year as "things I never thought would happen". As much as it is similar to my experience, I think the word "answered prayers" suits me the most. Well, not everything that happened was an answered prayer tho, my mom being sick is not part of my prayer. But she is fully recovered now, and that is in my prayer.
The broken heart I experienced earlier this year was actually an answer to my prayers for years. I asked God to give me closure, and finally He answered. It was not easy to recover because the answered prayer was not what my heart wished for. I lived most days this year with the hope that “eventually things will get better,” and guess what? It did.
About the goal, I actually planned to join Hyrox because I had an ulterior motive toward a particular person. So when the answered prayer happened, I was going to cancel my plan to join Hyrox. Especially when my supposed-to-be Hyrox partner in the double women division told me she couldn't join (I'm not disappointed at all, but my heart goes out to her as she battles what she's going through right now), it was almost certain that I would never join Hyrox.
But when the registration opened, my friends were so excited and encouraged me to register for the single division. And I don't know why, I trusted them and registered myself. And I think that's the wildest decision I've ever made in the past decade lol! I started to create a new goal. There was no ulterior motive nor attachment to a particular person anymore. My goal was to see my limits and how I could push myself to finish strong. I didn't have any time target for myself, I just wanted to finish strong.
And I did.
Yes, you read it right, I finished my first Hyrox in the single division! It was crazy; even until now, I still couldn't believe it. For the past months, I trained like crazy. Outside my regular 8–5 at the office, I had 6–9 at the gym. Joined gym classes, worked on homework from my coach, and yada yada. I pushed myself to run faster (which I hate), did hundreds of lunges in a night, ate lots of sate taichan for protein intake, forced myself to sleep earlier, and yada yada. The discipline resulted in a happy race. I was more nervous during the simulation than the race. I did the race with a happy heart (and a few cursed words at the burpee stations) and even still had energy to wander around after the race.
Life has been quite good recently, to the point that I need to scroll through photos in my phone gallery to realize that the days when I couldn't stop crying were happening this year. What I'm trying to say in this random yap post is that the “eventually” that I talked about in my previous post does not come just like that. It is earned. You are the one who needs to wake up and fight. In my case, shifting my Hyrox goal to focus on myself helped. Oh! and the Europe trip to pray at the Vatican too, but I'll talk about it later because I have a lot of photos and I still can't decide which ones to post.
I wish there won't be any moment where I cry like I did at the beginning of this year. I hope that despite the seasons of life I experience, I can still pick myself up and choose joy over drowning in sadness. I'm forever grateful for all the answered prayers I had this year, including the bitter closure that I finally received. For next year, as it will be my last year in my 20s, I wish I could be braver—in choosing the path, taking decisions, executing plans, and finally living outside my head. After the pandemic, I think I spent too much time overthinking everything. Let me live the last year of my 20s with a little more recklessness and less thinking. Because what is a plan without execution, right?
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